Icarus
by Rapunzel4
Summary: Memories of Yuki's past still haunt him, causing him to doubt the wisdom of his relationship with Shuichi.


Disclaimers: Gravitation and its characters belong to Maki Murakami, not a lowly college student like myself, who doesn't even make enough money at her job to cover her tuition.

Warnings: Shounen ai (duh), angst, POV, possible spoilers

Author's Note: As far as timeline goes, this story doesn't really have a set place in the timeline. It could occur somewhere around the middle of the anime, I think.

Beta'd by the fabulous M.E., who is also pretty full of herself when she isn't talking about Omi in my author's notes.

Icarus

By Rapunzel

I had a strange dream.

You were in it. You'd probably be pleased to know that, if I told you, which I won't. You seemed to shine before my eyes as you smiled at me, that ever bright smile. No sound came from your lips, which alone should have told me that it was a dream. I have never known you to be silent. But it seemed natural then, for you did not need words. You smiled at me and beckoned me to you, and I understood. But even as I made to follow you, I heard his voice.

_"Do not fly too close to the sun."_

I looked about, searching for him, but he did not appear. Instead only the voice lingered, speaking the words of a legend from a culture now dead. You did not seem to hear. You continued to summon me to you. But still he spoke.

_"Do not fly too close to the sun."_

I looked at you, smiling, bright and eager, and I steeled myself, resolving to ignore him. Why should I not go to you? You who are so warm, so inviting. Why should he warn me away?

_"You will fall."_

His words gave me pause, but only for a moment. You leaned forward, reaching out to me, and I could not resist, in spite of his warnings. I reached back, and your fire engulfed me.

/-/-/-/

The ringing phone wakes me. I consider ignoring it. I don't want to get up to answer it, but if I don't I know no one else will. You're already long gone, your work having pulled you out of bed and into the studio long before I would ever consider getting up. The ringing continues, boring its way into my consciousness, and I resign myself to the inevitable as I roll out of bed and go to answer it.

"Moshi moshi."

His voice greets me. The voice from my dream. Tohma's voice. "Good morning, Eiri-san."

I scowl even though I know he cannot see. "What do you want?" I demand, churlish at being disturbed before I have decided that I'm ready to greet the day.

He laughs. "Is it too early for you? I apologize. I know you've never really been a morning person."

I ignore his apology and repeat my question. "What do you want?"

"Nothing really," he answers easily. "I just thought I would check up on you and see how you're doing."

Somehow I doubt that that is all. Nothing with Tohma is ever that simple. "Did Mika ask you to call?"

He pauses for a moment, but that's all I need to let me know that I'm right.

"Tell me," I say, "what my big sister wants with me now, and why she thinks you'll have better luck with me than she has."

"She's just worried about you, Eiri-san," he answers seriously. "You hung up on her in the middle of your last phone conversation."

I snort. "And this is different from normal how?"

"True." There is a note of amusement in his voice, but it fades quickly. "How are things with Shuichi?"

"Why ask me?" I return. "You work there; you probably see him almost as often as I do."

He sighs heavily on the other end of the line. "That's not what I meant. I meant how are things between the two of you?"

I resist the urge to sigh in exasperation; I've known from the start exactly what he's asking. I simply don't want to answer. It annoys me sometimes, having them always trying to pry into my life. If I wanted them to know things, I would tell them; it's as simple as that. The fact that I don't tell them should tell them that I want to be left alone, but they never seem to pay attention to that. Certainly not Tohma, who is nothing if not persistent.

"I don't see that that's any of your business," I return coldly.

Most people would have been put off. But Tohma learned long ago to ignore coldness from me. "Now, now, Eiri-san, don't be angry with me," he says, and if I were talking to him in person, I know he'd have his hands up in a placating gesture. "I merely asked out of concern for you."

"Oh?" I reply, sarcasm practically dripping from my words. "And why should you be concerned?"

"You know why," he answers, his voice growing serious.

I'm silent. I do know why, but I refuse to acknowledge that.

"Eiri-san," he says, sounding as tentative as he ever sounds, like he's worried about upsetting me, "Are you sure this is a good idea? Being with Shuichi, I mean. You know he's bound to ask eventually."

"And I'll tell him... eventually." That's what I've been telling myself every time you inquire into my past. Eventually can be a long time, after all.

"And if being with him makes things... unpleasant for you?" he asks pointedly.

I wonder for a moment what exactly he means by unpleasant. There are times when simply being around you is unpleasant, like when you whine at me, but somehow I doubt he's referring to that. Is he worried about your reaction when I finally divulge all the sordid little details of my history, or is he worried about my response?

"I'll deal with it," I answer simply, sounding not at all bothered by or concerned about the prospect.

"Eiri-san," he starts, but his tone tells me that he doubts my judgment, and so I cut him off.

"Was that all you called to ask about? Because I could have sworn you had more important things to do with your time."

"Not more important than this," he answers gravely.

"Then there's something wrong with your priorities," I say dismissively. "I'm fine, and I'm old enough to run my life for myself. Oh, and since you called, could you pass that message along to Mika? I don't think she gets it either." So saying, I hang up.

As I remove my hand from the telephone receiver, I give it a baleful glare. Well, that was pointless. What an annoyance. But still, as I walk back to bed, hoping to be able to get a little more sleep, Tohma's voice echoes through my head, speaking the words from my dream.

_"Don't fly too close to the sun."_

/-/-/-/

The front door closes with a bang, and a loud cry of, "Tadaima!" follows, just in case I couldn't already tell that you've returned. But that's you, I suppose. You've never bothered to be quiet in anything you do.

I sigh and close the file I was working on. I know there's no way I'm going to get anything done with you in the apartment. Not that I was getting much done before you got back. I've been distracted all day, thinking about what Tohma said to me.

I barely have time to consider it further, however, because you are suddenly in the room, at my side. "Yuki, I'm back!" you proclaim loudly.

"So I see," I reply dryly.

You sidle up a little closer to me. "I missed you," you say in that husky tone of yours which I suppose could be considered mildly seductive.

"Idiot. You weren't even gone twelve hours."

You pout slightly. "That doesn't mean I didn't miss you."

I resist the urge to roll my eyes as I get up and stalk towards the living room. Since I have resigned myself to not getting any work done, it makes no sense to stay in my office. You trail along after me happily, chattering about your day at the studio, all the things Hiro said, and how many times K pulled a gun on you. I listen with half of my attention as I settle on the couch, debating what I'm going to do for dinner. I don't especially enjoy cooking, but I know that left to your own devices, you would destroy my kitchen, and so circumstances force me to take matters into my own hands.

Some of what you're saying filters through as you remark, "Oh yeah! I almost forgot. I ran into your sister the other day."

Mika. Great. I wonder just what my esteemed sister had to say to you.

"Oh?" I inquire, sounding only mildly interested.

You, however, take any sign of interest as an excuse to talk more. "Well, we just sorta made small talk for a while. I think she was there to meet Seguchi-san, but I saw her from the studio, so I waved to her, and she stopped to talk to me for a minute. Wasn't that nice of her?"

_Very nice_, I think sarcastically. She probably took the time to pump you, discreetly of course, for information on me. My sister can be irritatingly persistent when it comes to me.

You pause for a moment, as though considering something, then forge on ahead. "Ne, Yuki?"

"Hm?"

"I can't help but remember Mika-san telling me that I know nothing about you."

I wince internally. Here we go again.

"You know, I can't help thinking that it's true sometimes..." you say, eyes lowered to the floor.

"What is it exactly that you want to know?" I ask warily.

"Everything!" you cry with just a little too much enthusiasm.

"Not now," I growl, because I'm not sure you really do want to know everything. In fact, I can think of several things you'd probably be better off not knowing.

"Well, you don't have to tell me everything now," you amend hastily, "just as much as you're comfortable with. But someday, I'll get to know everything about you, and then I can say that I love you through and through because I love everything about you!"

My lips quirk into a sardonic little smile. Oh no, Shuichi, you wouldn't really love everything about me. Could you love the fact that I... No, mustn't think about that. Mustn't go down that little path to memory lane.

"And then when I talk to your sister and she's telling me stories about you and she asks, 'Have you heard this one?' I can say, 'Of course I know that one! Yuki told me all about it!' And..."

Don't think about it. It's all in the past now. It shouldn't matter any more. Don't think about it! Don't!

"Yuki? Are you listening to me?"

You must have noticed something, but I can't seem to focus on you. Over the ringing in my ears, I can barely hear what you're saying, but Tohma's warning still comes through loud and clear.

_"Don't fly too close to the sun."_

"Yuki? Are you all right? You look pale."

I try to answer you, really I do. But everything is getting mixed up in my head. I feel like I'm slipping back in time.

_...wax melting, feathers fluttering away..._

Everything is coming apart. I'm coming apart. I can't keep it straight anymore. What is now and what was then? You're not exactly helping, but then I guess I can't expect you to. Maybe Tohma was right. You can't help me, you can only hurt me. Hurt me by asking me. Hurt me by reminding me.

_I'm falling._

I recognize all the signs. I'm about to plunge headfirst into the black abyss of memories I wish I'd never had.

"Yuki? Are you okay? Yuki! Yuki!"

Sound bends and suddenly it's not your voice I'm hearing. It's the voice of another boy. A slip of a boy really, so young and energetic.

"Yuki! Yuki!"

Running, smiling, so happy, happy, happy... He is me and yet he is not. I am not him. What happened to him? Where did he go?

I killed him.

I don't want to remember this part. The fear, the pain, the betrayal, the anger, and then the violence, the gunshots and blood. So much blood. Hysterical sobbing fills my ears. I don't want to remember, I don't! But it's too late now...

_I'm falling..._

/-/-/-/

Everything's cold when I come back to myself. The only part of my body that doesn't feel like it's been encased in ice is my right side, specifically my right arm. Turning my head slightly, I see why. You're there, pressed against me, clutching my arm to you. Your wide eyes are filled with fear and fixed on my face.

"Yuki?" you whisper, voice hopeful and frightened at the same time. "Can you hear me?"

I should tell you that that's a stupid question; of course I can hear you. You prattle on so much that sometimes it seems impossible to hear anything else. Instead of saying all these things, however, I simply nod.

You breathe a sigh of relief and reach up to touch my face. "Yuki," you ask almost timidly, "What happened? One minute you seemed fine, and then you were pale and you didn't seem to see or hear me. I kept calling you, but you didn't answer."

Swallowing once, I manage to find my voice. "I'm fine." It's not a very satisfactory response. It doesn't even come close to half answering the question you just asked me. But at the moment, it's the best I can do.

That doesn't seem to satisfy you, however. "You're not fine!" you explode, looking ready to throw one of you wailing tantrums. "I've seen fine, and that was not fine!" You seem to realize that shouting isn't going to help, and your voice softens, taking on a slightly pleading quality. "What's the matter, Yuki? I was really scared. Maybe you should go see a doctor or something."

I snort, wondering how you would react if you found out that I'm already seeing one about exactly this problem. It doesn't seem to be helping though.

You mistake my reaction as contempt for your suggestion. "Maybe it would help!" you say defensively. "You should at least do something! What if that happens again?"

Unfortunately, you have a point. There's a good chance that this very thing will happen again. And you aren't helping. But somehow I don't think that's what you want to hear.

"Yuki," you whine. "I'm worried about you. I know something's wrong. Why won't you tell me what it is?"

"Leave it alone, brat," I say harshly, shoving you off my side and rising to my feet.

"But Yuki..."

I cut you off. "Shuichi, leave it alone."

Maybe it's the tone of my voice, or the way I employ your name instead of simply calling you "brat," but something makes you stop, and for that I'm grateful. There's no way I'm telling you right now. Not when the memories are so close on my heels that if I stop to ponder them for any length of time, they'll catch me and swallow me whole.

"I'm going to bed," I announce because it seems like a pretty good idea. I can only hope that my tone is caustic enough to imply that I'd like to be alone. Apparently it is, as you stay on the couch and make no move to follow me.

Reaching my room, I simply let myself fall on the bed. I feel as though all of the energy has been sucked right out of me. I'm so tired. Tired of fighting this battle against the memories. I've been struggling against them for so long now, and it feels as though I'm starting to lose ground. You're not helping either. Whether it's your questions or your voice, so full of eagerness and naïveté, calling out **that name**, I feel almost as though you're eroding whatever footing I ever had in sanity.

Right now, I can't help but wonder if maybe Tohma is right. Maybe you really are no good for me. After all, what am I getting out of all this? I have to put up with your annoying chatter, your junk littering my otherwise tidy apartment, distractions from my work. And now I have the memories to contend with, and for what?

_Companionship. Love._

But in the end, isn't that just making the whole thing worse? I'm so close to the edge anyway, it wouldn't take much to push me over. And the higher you fly, the harder you fall, or so they say. Maybe that's why in my dreams Tohma's voice quotes the warning from the legend of Icarus. I'm definitely flying too high.

And yet...

The door to the bedroom opens so quietly that it takes a moment for me to register the sound. The soft padding of footfalls alerts me to your presence, although you're being oddly silent otherwise. That's very unusual and out of character for you. I guess my little "episode" earlier must have scared you more than I thought.

I don't bother turning to look at you as you approach. I continue to lie just as I fell, sprawled on my stomach, feet dangling off the edge of the bed. Moving would take more energy than I have right now, and besides, I'm not sure I really want to talk to you right now. I'm still of a mindset where I'm inclined to blame you for my most recent lapse into the past. You burned my wings, after all.

And yet...

"Yuki?" you prod softly, a hesitant note in your voice as though you sense that I'm not in a mood to be disturbed.

I remain silent.

Moving cautiously, you climb onto the bed next to me and slowly lower yourself to stretch out beside me. An arm snakes over my shoulders, and you draw yourself up until you're lying partially on top of me, your cheek pressed between my shoulder blades, pink hair tickling the back of my neck.

"Yuki..." you sigh.

I should push you away. I should fly lower and not set my sights on you. And yet... I don't. I don't because I can't help but think that, despite the warnings and the ultimate ending, if I could talk to Icarus... If I could ask him about that fall, I think he would tell me that in the end...

"I love you, Yuki," you breathe softly.

...In the end, the fall was worth it.

Owari

Author's Notes: Well, I finally finished this piece, which has been in the works for almost a year now. This is my first foray into Gravitation fanfics, so I'm not quite sure what to think of it. It doesn't help that I wrote it in a rather odd style. Please let me know what you think.


End file.
